A couple months ago I woke up and started preparing myself to go to an industry daytime event at a local bar to go party with friends and colleagues. A much needed release from the craziness of being a server during the holidays. I was excited but had a sense that there was some further consideration that I needed, self-care...something more than the all too familiar, "Oh I won't drink too much this time...I can totally have self-control" HA! Riiiiiiiight ;)
I knew I needed a plan, more proactivity. There was something rising to the surface, brewing and ready to be birthed. I could feel myself opening up to a new idea and THEN...it happened! The idea came in the form of doing readings at the bar. Whaaaaa??? Where did this idea come from? Instantly I was afraid. "No, I can't do that" I said.
"Just bring your tarot cards and see what happens", the idea said.
"I'm not a tarot card reader", I said.
"Just fucking do it", it said.
"OK. Fine." I said.
Ideas are sometimes bossy.
Please keep in mind I feel very qualified to give readings in a professional setting and with plenty of time to delve deep into the unconscious mind. The sessions I provide in my office typically take up to two hours. I do not fear the unfolding of the psyche. I love it! I could spend all day in the unfolding. But in a bar? Could I do that? Answer: why the eff not!
What transpired blew my mind and heart wide open. I set up at a booth and opened myself to do readings and people sat down...to like get readings...from me! I didn't know if it would work or what it would look like even. The first time doing anything is a bit scary but its a good fear, right? I knew as long as I stayed in channel, I would be in alignment with the insight that people are yearning for and seeking. You know what? It worked.
What is channel you say? Being in channel or being a medium is something that we are all capable of when we are allowing ourselves to be in the moment and is especially powerful when connecting to the heart of another person. It's an opening up to higher consciousness and a willingness to trust whatever inspiration/information comes through. Seven years ago I became a certified psychic medium through my training at Delphi University, a spiritual/metaphysical school in Georgia. Yes, I went to wizard school :) I call it psychic camp to be cheeky but the school offers a wide range of legitness. At the end of the course I had tools that made me feel more confident in my inherent abilities but they also scared the crap out of me. I wasn't ready to take on what felt like a responsibility. I just wanted to party and play in bands and maybe like dabble in witchery and esoteric mystery when it was convenient for me...like a party trick or something I could pull out to sound cool.
At the end of training,( they don't tell you this when you sign up) you actually give readings to strangers. Going from doing readings and seances and weird cool astral shit with your cohort to working with people in the community is a shock to the system and leads to self-doubt and loads of heart racing which borders utter excitement and a crippling fear that you may ruin someones life. Here's how my first two readings went:
Big tough guy, dark eyes, scorpion tattoo on his neck, hunching over in the chair and looks at me saying, "I've been having some evil thoughts and I'm thinking about doing some evil things."
Yeah. I should also mention that its Friday the 13th, there is a horrendous storm outside and the lights go out. Luckily, there were candles lit and I knew there were others near by that would hear my screams. The point is, I did what I was taught to do. I connected to his heart and stayed focused on his innocence, the part of him that is wanting a new experience and is yearning for love. I watched this burly character turn into a gentle child with kind eyes and hope for his future. We hugged and I felt relieved. Not only had I not been murdered but I had successfully given my first psychic reading. WOW! I felt high on life in a major way. I was excited for another.
This southern bell couldn't have been more opposite. Her perfectly flipped blond hair and the way she sat with her purse on her lap, hands gripping it tightly while she tried to look not afraid of me. I got a very strong image of water. I asked, "Do you love the water?" Rookie move. She said, "No. I hate the water." Oh shit. I suck at this...spiral...decent and then remembering....it's not about me or my ego. Connection to the heart of this woman and what she is yearning for. Create space for her higher consciousness...stay in channel. Theeeeeeeen, it came out that her child had drowned in a river. Theeeeennnnnnn, the spirit of her child entered the room. AHHHHHHHHH!!!! I had an out of body experience in which I was looking down on myself in this like, what the eff, this is your life now? Freak out. But, once again, I remembered my training and I refocused and stayed in channel. Her child had a lot of beautiful things to say and she received much needed healing and release of pain she was holding on to. It was profound, to say the least.
You should also know that I have had a life long fear of ghosts and always assumed if I saw one I would crap my pants, my hair would turn white and or I would just go crazy. Like drooling, mumbling to myself, lock me up in a padded room crazy. What I've come to understand is my fear is also connected to a strong part of me that likes believing in everything and nothing at the same time. If I were to see a ghost then I would have to believe in the spirit world right? It's just really hard for me to wrap my brain around that. I often feel like a bad "spiritual person" and like there is some sort of koolaid that I just haven't drank yet. I've had plenty of experiences to "prove" mystery and other realm stuff but I'm just not convinced nor do I pretend to understand. I digress. I recognize how I shut down the psychic part of myself. I turned it off....like a big, uh...no thanks...I'm good. I got enough this realm probs...don't need to worry about other realm shtuff. I'm good. She backs away slowly.
I can sense that I have untapped potential/powers due to fears and the more steps I take to unveiling fears to myself i.e. putting myself in challenging situations, seeking opportunity for growth, the less the fear controls me and the more open I become to things I was once closed to. That is why I went to psychic camp in the first place and why I chose to start doing readings in bars. Queue motivational music, she speaks with gusto into the headset mic and says, "You too can live your Dream Reality™!" Ha, kidding...kind of. But seriously, I have a pretty dazzling coordinating hand gesture to really drive that line home ;)
I don't claim to understand how this all works or what it all means man...trying to understand it is what keeps me from delving into it deeper...if that makes any sense. The more I surrender to the not knowing and embrace my own doubts, the more I can be a conduit. I like that. I have recently been asked to lead a class on mediumship and I instantly shot the idea down. Fear. Fear of what? For coming out as a psychic medium? Will people judge me? Blah blah blah all the ego stuff that keeps me from fully trusting myself and taking action.
One of the loudest voices I am learning to love within my psyche is the, "Who the hell do you think you are? You?! Ha, a therapist?! A medium?! HA! A blogger?! Right bro. Thats funny." You know the one. Damn, that voice is really afraid of trying new things. It keeps us small and it has a whole catalog of possible outcomes and they are all bad! This voice is a valuable part of yourself and it is afraid. We are the only ones that can give ourselves the gift of freedom. We can make choices! So, let's transmute our inner voices and lets help each other while were at it. Lets dare to share the things we want to try, to learn and explore with an openness and support for one another. Let's love the voice that tells us we can't, that we will fail, look stupid, loose everything and let it throw its little fit if it must... and then cuddle that baby and tell it its ok to be afraid...to doubt. Love that part of yourself vs shaming and spiraling with it. Teach it how to be daring. Teach it how to be ok with uncomfortable feelings. Teach it how to thrive in the unknowing, the doubt. Fear is how we know we are hot on the trail of transformation. The little charge we get when we are afraid is valuable information as to where loving energy is needed. Follow your fear vortex with consciousness and a deep desire to understand yourself. There is a sea of possibilities within you just waiting to be uncorked. Lets explode together. Stardust in our eyes and endless love in our hearts. We got this. We have each other.
Now I have more Heal That Shit Babe™ events unfolding and am developing a mediumship class and shit, I even have an apprentice now! All because I chose to enter the vortex of fear and trust it will lead me somewhere more expansive than I can ever imagine. I'm ready. Well, maybe not totally but I don't have to be right now. All I have to be is open to move through fear. Thank you for being there to hold my hand when I don't believe I am brave, to welcome me and tell me I am great. I am here for you to do the same. I love us.